Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Remind me, why am I doing this?

Today’s post comes as a result of a few things actually. In part, Sir Trancealot over at www.hypnoticallyspeaking.blogspot.com got me thinking after reading frequent mentions of his Lady’s progress. He keeps mentioning that they are both ‘getting there’, which made me wonder where they were ‘getting’ to; and indeed, where *I* am trying to get to.

I’m going to insert a side note here, actually. As Sir T’s commenting system seems to hate me on the majority of occasions, I’ve pretty much given up trying to post a comment. So, in response to his message about the fact that he plays L4D2... I issue a challenge. So long as he’s not a Xbox-crappy-version gamer, and has seen the joys of the PC elite, feel free to add me on Steam, Sir T. My email address is on my blogger profile, so I’m sure we can arrange a versus match ;)

But, let’s take things one step at a time. Firstly, from a “where’s this all headed anyway?” point of view. Well, you can’t look to your future before you’ve looked at where you’ve come from, so I had a quick read through the blog in its entirety today, and was rather surprised at how much I’ve changed in myself since we began writing. I’ll start by saying that I don’t regret a single day on this journey, not a single day. I’ve branched out in my own kinky interests, I’ve tried things I never would have gotten the chance to experience before, I’ve become much more confident in myself and my figure, my personality has emerged and blossomed, and I’ve enjoyed every second I’ve spent experimenting.

I’ll make a note to the readers that I’m a very visual person. So often, concepts and ideas that I have I’ll visualise in a picture format and then base my description from that. Being also very feeling-orientated, it can often be difficult to describe things as powerfully as when I feel them, so you’ll have to bear with me on my descriptions. You’re receiving them from my mental Etch-o-sketch, after all.

I began the blog with Lex in a very ‘eyes wide’ and rather ‘innocent’ sense. I use the term ‘innocence’ *extremely* lightly, as after all, this *is* a blog based around hypnofetishism. But, I’d never experienced hypnosis on a general scale before. Lex is my first hypnotist, and thus, the first contact point I’d had with hypnosis past Paul McKenna’s show, Saturday morning cartoons and the infamous Kaa. I had very little idea of what I wanted from hypnosis, or what it could be used for. I was (and still am) extremely happy to follow the direction Lex takes me in.

Now, over the last 2 and a half years I’ve begun to push the boundaries of my own comfort zone and confidence as a subject. Tippy-toeing further and further from the gate as I’ve grown accustomed to going in and out of trance, responding to triggers, and opening my eyes to the various kinks that branch off of hypnosis and MC. I’ve seen many of these, enjoyed a number, disliked some, and been completely baffled by others. Now though, I adopt the philosophy that I wouldn’t want anyone to look down upon me for my kink, so I’m not going to look down my nose at anyone else for theirs. We’re all freaks, and (hopefully) happy about it! ;o)

But, everyone has goals. Everyone strives for something. You don’t continue doing something for nearly 3 years without wanting to get somewhere with it. Originally, I wanted to see my potential as a subject... then I wanted to try to discover why I was having this acting dilemma and what hypnotic act was going to convince me... and then I began to focus on a more D/s side to things.

I’ve always found the D/s side incredibly hot, along with the concept of brainwashing. Now, when I look back at my fantasies when I first began looking into my ‘interest’ into hypnosis, they’re rather different from my fantasies now. Usually, they followed the same lines of the typical ‘damsel in distress’ scenes with the ‘big bad hypnotist’ and the zonked out heroine. But, there was a problem initially (largely linked to my naivety and innocence at the time), and that was that all of my fantasies involved the build up (the chase, the capture, the enslavement), but nothing afterwards. Thus when I first began talking with Lex, and he inquired as to what I wanted from hypnosis... I wasn’t a great deal of help in the ideas department.

The more I began to play with hypnosis, and entered into the online world of hypnofetishism, the more I saw of what areas the fetish could lead into. At first, I shied away from these ideas. How crude I thought they were... All those stories on the EMCSA degenerating into absolute filth... Pah! I said, pah! That was definitely not for me.

But then, there’s the issue of my affinity for hypnosis, coupled with my obsessive personality. I’m like a magpie in a lot of senses; I’ll find something shiny, and then obsess about it until I catch a glint of something else later on. Since hypnosis has proven to carry almost infinite possibilities, it’s certainly been able to keep my attention. Though, that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m the same girl I was when I went into this kink. Far from it, in fact.

I soon developed a taste for some of the other areas that hypnofetishism and MC kinks branch off into; bimboification, fembotisation, dollification, somnophilia, bondage, BDSM, D/s play, objectification and orgasm denial but to name a few. And these in turn, came with a wealth of images and porn sites to titillate my senses for months on end. This all sounds fine and dandy, but why am I telling you all about it?

It’s because I’ve made a personal discovery of late. A discovery that’s sparked off my questioning and searching once more. Asking myself what all this was about, why I’m continuing with hypnosis, where I want it to head. The epiphany is not a single occasion, as I’ve teetered down the road of this line of questioning many times before, and frequently been distracted or not followed it through. But now, through this post, I’m forcing myself to think about it; to nail down where it is I’m heading. Which path I want to trek further down.

My discovery is this: There are many reasons why I’ve grown and changed so much over the last three years. I’ll put some down to generally growing up, and being in my first long-term relationship. Of course, there’s being opened to a new fetish, and exploring this whole new side to me. There’s having an experienced hypnotist as my partner, who’s enthusiastic enough to guide me down without placing any pressure on my advancement... But the main factor for me, I’ve got to put down to brainwashing.

Now, in context, this isn’t even brainwashing on Lex’s part (and believe me, I’ve had plenty of sessions of it). The most effective method I’ve found of brainwashing all boils down to one thing: Porn. Yes, believe it or not, porn has changed me. By extension of course, I’m talking about self-brainwashing, which is a rather powerful form if there ever was one. I’m referring to times I’ve been masturbating looking at Collective images and repeated phrases from the text to myself, or repeating mantras silently in my head during sex (yes Lex, sometimes that ‘far away’ look isn’t always caused by you). But surely, if I’m doing this, there’s got to be a reason I’m exerting the effort? Somewhere I want to take myself?

This is why I mention porn. The route I seem to want to take recently is to explore my submissive side; and I’m not just talking about the ‘bratty sub side’ I’ve shown thus far – which just about boils down to ‘obeying when I feel like it’. No, I’m talking about the sub side I see reflected in those delectable images I’ve been spending so much time viewing. Girls who are truly owned, who fully know their place, who obey because they know they must. Perhaps they are permitted to a normal life, but the moment they hear the tone of their Master’s/Mistress’ voice change, or hear the snap of their fingers, they know they must obey. It’s not a choice, it’s a compulsion.

But then, on the flip side of all this, is my current lifestyle. Getting to the point where I 'can't be bothered' submitting, as bad as that sounds. Where I'd much rather just go and shoot zombies, or raid for a while, or sleep. Where I put the toys away, and end the session there and then.


Now, I know this’ll sound a little fresh coming from someone who doesn’t seem to have a choice a lot of the time. But I know my choice is there, lurking silently in the background. That annoying safe word, the release catch, the big red button I can press and any time that pulls me back out and gives me back the control I’ve lost. Is it there for my protection, or is it in fact holding me back from experiencing what I truly want? Part of me says there’s only one way to find out – down the “Better to ask forgiveness than permission” route of just trying it and digesting whether I liked it or not later.

But what’s most interesting for me is hearing myself say all this; that where my interest lies is becoming a better slave for Lex, a better slave in general. You know it’s funny, but I’ve even got myself a list of things I need to do competently in order to better myself as a slave – things a slave should be able to do, or skills a slave should have. Who’d have thought that the brat that started this blog (who, may I add is very much still alive and well, and Lex’ll back me up on my Princessish-ness) would be contemplating (whilst being fully aware and awake) ways to better please her Master, and to be shown off as his slave?

I think there’s an element of the brat in me even in this desire to become a slave, as crazy as it sounds. There’s the pride of knowing you’ve been pleasing. There’s the seductive power in knowing that you can dance in front of the crowd at the end of the leash, feeling their desire, feeling their lust for you, and finally walking home in the arms of your Master. Knowing you can flirt, and tease, and taunt, and show yourself off. But at the end of the day, they’ll have to go through your Master first. Those men and women cannot have you. That’s a fecking hot idea all of its own, no?

I think this post is more for myself than for anyone else. Watching myself type the words on screen, hearing these fragments of thoughts be written down and put into an (okay, I’m not going to call it cohesive, but you get the picture) order. But still, it’s something to bear thinking about. For if I want to explore this route for certain, my next question is how I go about it...

4 comments:

AJ said...

Things that aren't real words: Tippy-toeing, Bimboification, Fembotisation, Princessish-ness.

Other than that, great blog. Very interesting.

Granamyr said...

Hi! I love this blog though I'm new to reading it's contents and certainly haven't consumed all their is.

As a sub myself, I completely understand what you mean. Imho, it's natural for a submissive to want to submit more deeply and more perfectly. I'm always looking for little ways to make Master happy and he always coming up with new hypnotic methods to aid me in going deeper for him.

It sounds like you're very happy about this new direction. (I bet Lex is too eh?) Enjoy it. Peace.

Anonymous said...

The journey of a slave is as interesting as it is varied. Changing and adapting to your new way of thinking is very important. I have always thought the inner thoughts of your slave is the holly grail of control. To have your voice deep within their mind even when you are not there. It is interesting reading from a masters point of view on the use of hypnosis and the comparison between the two. For example your your mantras that you give your self, A very powerful way of imbedding orders and thoughts within a slave. I my self have written many a mantra for my slave to learn and repeat at different times giving them something to focus on something for their mind to absorb.

Blnkstr said...

this is an excellent bit of writing and self-awareness, lizzie. it's fascinating to share someone's epiphany like this, and I appreciate your generosity and exhibitionism. :)

your paragraphs about self-brainwashing via porn and masturbation is dead on. I wonder how many of us realize that we're Pavlovian to the extreme, and maybe we should be a little more deliberate about the images that we're having burned into our happy little brains with orgasmic reinforcement? :) it's not a bad thing, but it's very intriguing to think about.

also, your online longevity is pretty herculean. to be able to look back over more then two years of really good and interesting and revealing and useful and entertaining personal journal entries is quite a feat. kudos for having so much fun that it's worth coming back here to tell us about it, over and over and over again! :)