He flew out yesterday morning, and that's where this post came from, so as you can probably guess, it's going to be very soppy. Apologies, but I'm a romantic at heart, so sue me.
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I’m going to loosely term this post “Natural Hypnosis” because that’s what this blog is based on – even whilst the majority of this post won’t be. Still, in the words of Lesley Gore: “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.” So, if you were after a hypno-heavy post about Lex’s latest antics, feel free to stop reading. Readers, I’m even going to give this post an EGC warning (extremely gay content), so I’ll understand if the manly amongst you decide to return to their pr0n sites.
Still reading? Well, you’ve had your warning.
I’ve tried to re-write this post three times so far, and every time I read it back to myself, there’s a point where as a reader, I think "Woah, where did all that come from?" But, I’m finding it incredibly difficult to word it any other way. When you’re bottling a dam, it never flows smoothly once you begin to let it out. If you’re not careful, the dam breaks, so you’ll have to excuse my writing today, dear reader. However, in the nicest way possible, you’re not the intended audience today, and I’m sure you’ll understand why when you read this for yourself.
For the purposes of this post, I’m going to use the term ‘natural hypnosis’ slightly different than I usually do. It’s still along the same lines, but I won’t be re-using Lex’s clichéd “have you ever been driving and suddenly found yourself further down the road than when you last looked” examples.
I’m talking about the mind’s way of naturally altering our perceptions. From spotting something out of the corner of your eye that looks completely different when you take a closer look, to feeling phantom vibrations coming from your pocket when you know your phone is in there on silent. It’s all down to the power of the mind, and were I in the vicinity of any hypnotists during these phenomena, I’d be mightily suspicious. But alas, it’s just my mind playing tricks on me.
But often, the matters of the mind extend will extend much deeper than a momentary fooling of the senses. This morning was one of those moments. When I was busy trying to ignore the ‘voice of reason’ that kept interrupting my wallowing. You know the one I’m talking about, the one we begrudgingly listen to that keeps telling us to grow up, reminding us of the things we’re overlooking, the things on our to do list we’ve been procrastinating. It’s a mother’s nagging, all wrapped up into an internal monologue. But of course, there’s never just one voice there, else we wouldn’t be rationally thinking human beings with the basis of ‘free will’. There’s always conflicting messages flying around, spoken from various levels of the conscious (and unconscious) mind. But, at what point (and why) do we choose to listen to, or ignore these voices?
For me this morning, it was a conscious decision to stand up and say no (as I so frequently do), and give myself over to emotion. Melodramatic or however I may seem to the outside world, the emotion generally feels more ‘real’ to me than logic ever does. It’s nice to lose yourself in the whirlwind of emotions tearing through your mind on occasion, and to let emotion and feeling win out over logic. It’s comforting to flick the finger to the voice telling you that he’ll only be gone for two weeks, and that you’ll see him soon. Ignoring the fact that you’ve nothing to cry for, and you’re highly overreacting. Instead, you focus on the negative, on the absence itself, the temporary piece of you that’s missing. You don’t wipe that tear running down your nose, you don’t bottle up the emotion and focus elsewhere so that you can get on with your day. And why?
Because it’s good to bask sometimes. To sit amidst the myriad of emotion you paint the walls of your mind with and take a moment to admire the decor. There’s a moment of realisation when you spot the theme in the design; that all of these thoughts and feelings have been stirred up by one person and one person alone. Then you understand that it’s *okay* to feel this way. It’s okay to let those monthly hormones (or whatever silly excuse you’ve tried to tell yourself it is) rage on, because all the negativity you’re feeling stems around the *one* positive that matters: The simply complex matter of love. In that moment, there’s the momentary smile through the tears, the small laugh that breaks the sniffle, and the reason for this post today.
Oh, I know that there’s a very likely chance that Lex won’t read this until he returns. I know that this post for him will be with the world before it reaches his eyes. But I don’t mind sharing it with the world too, there’s plenty of emotion to go around ;o)
And that’s why I’m currently lay in Lex’s bed, curled up on his side, and smiling to myself whenever I catch the faint smell of his aftershave still on the sheets. I lie listening to the sounds of a silent household, knowing that no matter what I feel right now, the fact that I’m feeling anything at all is something to be cherished. The fact that this one man can stir up so much in me could, however, simply be put down to natural hypnosis. Sticking with that thought though, I’d say love is the most natural and common form of hypnosis there is. Losing yourself in someone else so completely that you find yourself in the process. Being so utterly enraptured and entranced that you need no other. To give another person such focus in your life that you can make a door locking sound lonely, or let a whiff of their cologne trigger a hundred memories.
If that’s hypnosis, it’s no wonder I’ve got the kink I do.